Rain of Shadows and Endings by Melissa K. Roehrich

5/5 stars

SPOILERS AHEAD

FINALLY!!! A FIVE STAR READ!!!

This was SUCH a fun read, which feels strange to say because it's genuinely very fucked up, and Theon is genuinely a terrible, terrible person. I think the reason I loved this so much is because I've been struggling with my fantasy/romantasy series lately. Nothing has been hitting quite right. I've read some standalones and some duologies that have really killed it, but I haven't found a longer series that has made me want to commit to more than 3 books in a while. Maybe since Book of Azrael if I'm really being honest. I'm crossing all my fingers and toes that this one keeps up the momentum because oh my god did I devour this first one.

It's definitely no literary masterpiece, and I agree with all of the reviews saying this is basically a bully romance and all it does is follow Tessa around as she's abused and manipulated and gaslit by every single person in her life, and we aren't going to dig into this too much because I don't need to go that deep into my own personal relationship trauma right now, but I still loved it. It gave me that same feeling I got reading Zodiac Academy for the first time, where all of my thoughts were just absolutely consumed by this book, and every free moment I had I was either reading or thinking about reading it. I didn't even realize that it was 670 pages until I had finished it because it kept me so on the edge the entire time. I've had some huge letdowns in my most anticipated reads this year, where I've had to force myself to keep reading because I find it impossible to DNF books, but I actually had to force myself to put this one down at night just so I could get enough sleep to function the next day. I haven't felt that about a book in so long, and I missed that feeling. 

I think our girl Tessa is incredibly relatable. Always feeling like she's too much and that no one will ever stick around once they find out how chaotic she is and how trouble seems to follow her like a magnet. Maybe not everyone will relate, but I know a lot of women understand how this feels. I also think that Tessa's experiences reflect a lot of the expectations from men that women experience every day. Eviana is looked at like the perfect Source, or the "perfect woman", because she's quiet and obedient and doesn't question what's expected of her. Tessa is the opposite side of that coin, because she's obstinate and loud and snarky and opinionated, so she's viewed as the worst possible choice for a Source, or the kind of woman that no one would want. But she's also sassy and witty and sarcastic and strong, and at every turn she's fighting for her right to be viewed as a person and have someone show even the slightest bit of respect or understanding of what she's been through. And yes, I know that some of the Sources are men, too, but they're dicks so I'm not including them in this. 

This girl literally had every single thing taken from her, and is expected to be thankful for her new position as a slave all because of the fact she was (so we thought) born as a Fae. She's constantly broken down over and over again, just like she has been her entire life, and she's still tough as balls. All this girl wants is to drink this world's equivalent of tequila, eat pizza, and hang out with her friends. What 23 year old girl doesn't want that? And even after being broken so many times, she keeps pushing through with her snark and her attitude because she's stronger than anyone is giving her credit for. She deserves so much more, and I will come for Melissa if this girl doesn't end up being some crazy powerful god or Legacy or whatever and rain down some serious vengeance on everyone who's done her wrong. Including Theon a little, tbh. Which like, obviously is going to happen but it's still fun to pretend that it might not and be surprised when it does. 

Now, Theon. I've got some mixed feelings about this one because I want to hate him, and I do a lot of the times, but this poor guy just has some serious daddy issues. It's the classic "I might be an asshole but my father is a million times worse and I'm doing all of this as an act so he doesn't figure out I'm trying to overthrow him" thing. And I eat it up every time. Give me that dark, broody, tormented guy whose been secretly plotting the downfall of his evil dad so that he can make the world a better place for the people who have been wronged. I'm just assuming that's what's going to happen, since we actually have no idea what his motives really are. I also want to give him some leniency because he doesn't really know any different. Everyone in this world is raised to believe that the Fae are there to serve the Legacy, and that's how it has always been. The only other Source relationship he's witnessed has been his dad and Eviana which is entirely fucked up. And I love that he activly remembers little details about her and picks out her clothes every day and brings her coffee and tops it off without any prompting. I think it's cute. All that said, he does suck. There are so many moments that I highlighted with just the comment "be so fucking for real" because Theon was so shocked every time Tessa didn't take the whole forced bond thing well. What did he expect after she straight up told him that she wasn't interested in being bonded and forced to become some Legacy's Source? No shit she's going to be fighting back. That said, I am looking forward to his potential redemption arc coming up, because it's pretty obvious that they're going to end up being Matches or fated mates or whatever. And I'm going to be sat either way. 

I loved the side characters, mainly Luke and Axel. If you know me you know I'm a sucker for a flirty, himbo kind of vibe, so Axel had me the second he called Tessa baby doll and strutted in all cocky and overconfident. I did not expect Luka to be a dragon shifter, so that was a fun little surprise. The Guardian bond between him Theon made me think of Orion and Darius in Zodiac Academy, so I obviously loved those two together. Now that I think about it, Valter gives off huge Lionel vibes… 

The biggest issue that I had with this book was that it was incredibly repetitive. I found myself thinking this a lot while I was reading it, but for some reason it never took me out of it. It was just a non-stop cycle of Tessa getting pissed, she and Theon having some kind of heated exchange, Theon punishing her, her shutting down and being "the perfect Source" for like a day, before she gets pissed and flips a switch again, and the cycle starts back over. It happened no less than one thousand times, and each time I was totally caught up the drama of it all, waiting to see what would happen next as if I didn't already know. The only time it was different was that last time when Theon put her in the cellar and basically took the place of Mother Cordelia from Tessa's past, even knowing her trauma around that. And then he finally realizes that she's been trying all along when it's too late. I wanted to strangle them both throughout the book and sit them in a room and make them communicate. All Theon needed to do was explain why he was doing the things he was doing, how it was actually protecting her, and that he has some big grand scheme that she can be a part of and it would have gone very differently. He also gave me whiplash when he told her that he never wanted his Source to be like Eviana and he always wanted her to be strong and for people to fear them together, but like… the actions did not align. I felt like I was being gaslit. Can't even imagine the headache Tessa must have had. 

Anyways, I have theories. Not a lot, and not well thought out ones, but theories nonetheless. The Keeper has to be Tristyn, right? I mean it's got to be. She said she recognized the voice, and I thought it had to either be Dex or Tristyn but Dex clearly has to be the one that Tessa's god father sent down to Devram to be her Guardian, right? And Dex is clearly from a different world and he definitely isn't Fae because those were wings that Tessa saw behind him when she woke up at the end. And what is up with her being able to walk through the wards and take off those bracelets on her own? Is it simply because she isn't a Fae? And what the HELL were those things she summoned from the ground that left behind all that gold blood? They both have said that the bond feels different, so it's gotta be a mate bond and not a regular Source bond. This has devolved into the things I need resolved so I need to call it here.

A quick addition to this - I just read the bonus chapter from Axel's point of view and... I know he's going to break my heart in this next book. This poor baby getting addicted to Fae blood because his dad's a dick is going to make me very sad. I love him and if he turns into a vamp I will be very upset. Excited to see him get flirty with Kat though.

For future me: This felt like a strange Zodiac Academy, Book of Azrael, Hunger Games, Bridgerton, Shatter Me mash up in a way that I'm not completely sure I can explain, but I'm going to try. The bully romance aspect of it and the Guardian bond definitely gave Zodiac Academy, the ruling gods, separate worlds, and sassy, badass female main character were giving Book of Azrael, the impending trainings and trials and the whole process of selecting a Source was giving Hunger Games (and maybe Fourth Wing a little? Also Luka being a dragon, Fourth Wing... something there), that same process in addition to watching all of the Fae get their powers and be flaunted around to get selected by one kingdom or another and the expectations of how to act in front of the Legacy was giving alternate reality Bridgerton, and the experimenting and torture to learn about their magic was giving Shatter Me. Okay, future me will thank current me for that when it comes time to read the next books in the series and I need reminders of what vibes I was picking up on.