Releasing 10 by Chloe Walsh

5/5 stars and one million tears soaked up into my pillows

SPOILERS AHEAD

I have never felt so devastated after reading a book, and I mean that so sincerely. I thought that Joey's story was going to be one of the hardest things for me to read, but god I was so wrong. I genuinely feel sick over this, my heart hurts so bad and if I think too long on what happened at any point in this book, I actually think I might start crying, so this review will be written through my tears. I literally cannot even go back through the notes I took to find quotes or any notes I wrote because I think I won't be able to finish this review if I do. I wish I was kidding, I actually cannot get myself to open up my Kindle app to look through my highlights. And there are a lot of them.

I want to first start by saying that all of the hate Chloe Walsh has been getting over this book makes me so upset. Yes this is an incredibly traumatizing read and yes it goes into incredible detail about child sexual assault, self harm, and suicide (among many other "taboo" topics...), but she's writing about the reality of so many people in the world. She's said that she's writing from her own personal experiences, and the fact that she's been bullied so much online to the point that she, a victim and survivor, is apologizing makes me furious. She deserves better.

I would also like to make it a point to agree with some of the criticisms I've been seeing online - not of the book, but of some of the people reading the book. I did sometimes find it hard to remember that we're reading about children and teenagers because some of these experiences feel so adult, but that doesn't change the fact that these characters are incredibly young. Literal children. There are so many people sexualizing these kids and it is so weird to me. As an almost 28 year old woman, I can't imagine being so obsessed with any of these characters that I'm making thirst trap edits about how hot I think they would be in real life on TikTok... even when some of them turn 18 later on in the books, it's still weird to be sexualizing them. And yeah, it's a book, but some people are taking it to a really bizarre level. Like please, leave Tadgh alone that is a literal child...

Okay and now for my actual review of the book now that I've gotten all that off my chest, and I'll grab my tissues now.

I remember hating Liz in the first 5 books of this series because she was so aggressive and honestly kind of mean, and we didn't know why. I feel like I owe her a formal apology because Jesus fucking Christ this girl has been through so much anguish in her life. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of trauma you have to experience for you to completely convince yourself that the years you were sexually assaulted by your sister's boyfriend, starting when you were 5 years old, was just a nightmare. To bury your trauma so deeply that you've convinced yourself that the "monster" was made up because you can't physically cope with the reality. To have to convince yourself that everything from the age of 5 can't be real because you can't live any other way. I could feel my heart cracking in my chest when Mark came to her with the hanger when she was 11 years old. And the first time she laid in Hugh's bed, mentally preparing herself for what was going to come next because she thought that was every man. And to have your father hate you because no one knows what's wrong with you. And for the monster in your head to convince you that he could cure you and if you fought him he would kill your family. And then add on top of all of that a bipolar diagnosis at such a young age... everything is working completely against you.

It hurt my heart so badly to see the divide between Liz and Gibs because they've experienced so much of the same trauma but neither of them have processed it and don't know how to communicate it. I understand why Liz is so furious with Gibs for not speaking up, I think I would be too. If I knew my sister was murdered by the man who was assaulting me and that my sister told me that one of my best friends in the world would be able to help me, only for them to stay quiet when you finally speak up, I think I would spiral too. I so desperately need for there to be a reuinion between the two of them and for Mark to get his justice in the next book, because I truly could not love a group of characters more than the one in this book. I actually feel physically ill thinking about what Liz and Gibs experienced and that they both felt so alone for so long in their lives, scared that they would lose the people that they loved the most. I keep seeing theories that they disappear Mark because Gibsie has a boat, Hugh knows a hidden cave that you can only access at low tide, Johnny's dad is the best lawyer in Ireland, and they keep each others secrets, so I'm clinging to that like a pathetic life raft to keep me afloat until the next book comes out.

I don't actually know if I can put in to words how incredible of a person Hugh is. Above all else, no child should have to step up as much as Hugh did, but my god is he an outstanding human being. He wasn't just Lizzie's best friend for years, an incredible boyfriend for years, but he took over the roll that her parents should have had. He should never have had to be calling her parents or making sure she was taking her meds or sleeping in her room every single night just to be there to help if she has a nightmare or to take a knife from her when she starts hurting herself or to cut the rope when she jumps from a balcony with a noose around her neck. That is so much pressure to put on a child, and this all started when he was like 7. No amount of maturity should lead to him having that weight on his shoulders by himself. In much less extreme situations, I've been both Hugh and Lizzie. I've had depressive episodes like Liz and I've been the person to bring people out of them too. Neither is something that I would wish on anybody.

I don't have personal experience with BPD, but from an unexperienced point of view, I think that Chloe Walsh did an absolutely outstanding job of depicting it in this book. I felt like I was stuck in the manic episodes and depressive slumps right along side Lizzie, and my heart ached so badly for Hugh doing quite literally every single possible thing he could do, and putting Liz above everything and everybody else. I think it really showed how unpredictable these kinds of diseases are, and how hard it is to love somebody with them when no one is willing to help or take them seriously.

I so badly want there to be a happy ending for Hugh and Liz, and I do think there will be (maybe I'm delusional), but I was so proud of Hugh for finally putting up boundaries. I had to put the book down and take my dog on a walk when Hugh walked in on Liz and Pierce in Hugh's bed. I felt my stomach bottom out. I want so badly not to blame Liz because the hypersexuality of the mania combined with PTSD and trauma responses to being raped for her entire childhood are things she has no control over, and I genuinely think she thought that she was with Hugh, but oh my god I was so devastated for Hugh. He did everything for this girl only to walk in on her in his room with his teammate, all because he wanted to wait to have sex with his girlfriend of 4 years when she was out of her manic episode and was herself again. A lot of people I've seen are upset that Liz went away for three months and was getting electroshock therapy, while Hugh tried to move on with his life. They say he should have waited for her. I think he was doing the right thing. Being the only person someone who has a mental disability can rely on is so exhausting, and as a teenager that's nearly impossible to shoulder. And when that person isn't willing to get help, it's impossible to see a way out of it or a way that your life could be happy with them. I'm rooting so hard for these two to make it work, and I know I'll feel bad for Katie (until she gets with Feely), but I couldn't help feeling a sense of pride every time Hugh said no to Liz.

That said...

"Is she good to you?" "Yeah, she's really good to me."

Has me already tearing up and ready to cry myself to sleep. I'm so proud of Liz though for not asking him for a second chance. Having memories of all the horrible things you did during a manic episode come back to you has to be so hard, but to realize that you need to let the person you'll love for the rest of your life go so that they can be happy has to be even harder. And it just makes all of the times that she was alone or had to watch Hugh and Katie together in the earlier books twist the knife just a little bit more.

At every single point during this book, the adults failed these kids. If Lizzie's parents or Hugh's parents or Gibsie's parents for one second had listened to any of these kids, so much trauma could have been prevented. What mother wouldn't take her 9 year old daughter to a gynecologist when she gets her period, because that is so early and she's clearly experiencing major trauma. I can't imagine not tying together the dots. When your children are telling you that they're uncomfortable with someone being around them, maybe try to explore why that is instead of taking the other side just because they're older. The police failed them, the doctors failed Lizzie, every single adult figure in this book failed these kids and it makes my heart physically ache.

There are so many loose ends that I desperately need to be tied up in this next book. I need to know what happened in those three weeks that they were supposed to be in America. I need to know who the scary lady is. I need to know how things end with Hugh and Liz and with Liz and Gibsie. I need to know what happens to Mark. I need to know what was in Caoimhe's journals that Mark was burning. I need to know what the hell happens between 2004 and 2006 and the timeline of these books. I need some damn happy endings for these kids because they've had enough damn trauma for a million lifetimes.

Chloe Walsh, I love you so much, please never, ever stop writing about the tough things people don't want to believe are real I will be sending you my bills for therapy and new pillow cases since I ruined mine when I cried myself to sleep last night, thank you so much.